The Life I've Chosen
by Ano Saa
Summary: Sakura gets her first kill and realizes the impact on her life of the life she has chosen. Genma X Sakura
1. Chapter 1

I could have died...that's what kept running through her mind. I could have died. Sakura walked silently through the predawn streets of Konoha. Images of young bodies, several younger than she was now strewn about the field still fresh in here mind. They had happened on the scene moments after a battle. They were just lying there, some bloody and some not but all still. She remembered reaching down to touch the face of a boy who was probably a year or two younger than herself. His eyes were open and his mouth still twisted in a silent scream. It all seemed so surreal and then she felt the kunai pressed to her throat. She could hear ragged breathing, feel the hand shaking, smell the fear as he tried to drag her back out of the field and into the trees. She reacted quickly, turning and drawing her own kunai then pushing it into his chest. She felt the warmth of the sudden gush of blood as it spilled over her hand. She was face to face with him as the life faded from his eyes. They both sank to the ground, her hand still clenched around the kunai buried in the boy's chest. Everything was kind of dim after that, she remembered Kakashi pulling her away from the boy, the kunai still in her hand making a soft sloppy popping sound as it came free. More blood, slowly forming a pool around the fallen boy. She remembered a hand on her cheek, turning her head to face her sensei, the look of concern. He appeared to be talking but she heard nothing. The rest was a blur, returning to the village, checkup at the hospital and then being placed on her own bed.

She woke before dawn, still wearing the bloody clothes from the night before. She had heard voices in the room outside her own and slipped silently out the window with no particular destination in mind. She found herself wandering through the dark streets avoiding the few others she saw. Without knowing why she found herself approaching the memorial. She sank to the ground in front of it. For the first time she really began to see what the choice of this life meant. This kill would be the first of many, providing she was able to survive long enough. This is why they were taught to put their aside feelings, there was no room for compassion, sorrow, fear or regret. In this life, death would be her most faithful and constant companion. Death would take her comrades, her friends and finally her. This was a truth that had just come to her. The years of training at the academy, memorizing the rules, she should have known this, she did know this but it wasn't real until now. She stood slowly, feeling the wetness left by the damp morning grass on her legs, leaving a cold ache that flowed up from he legs and settled in the middle of her back causing her to shake slightly.

She had felt him approach before she heard him. It seemed a bit unusual to sense his chakra when he was still so far away. She knew Kakashi was letting her feel him, offering her support if she wanted or needed it. He was letting her know he was there without approaching to intrude. Although Sakura appreciated the gesture she was not sure she could face her instructor quite yet with the jumble of mixed emotions still churning inside. She felt weak, unsure of herself and desperate. She turned quickly and fled back to the village streets.

Kakashi had watched as Sakura stared blankly at the memorial, remembering his first kill. The overwhelming sense of fear, the nausea that came with the realization that he had just taken someone's life. He wanted to approach, offer comfort, but somehow he couldn't. He had killed so many and so many of those around him had died, friends, comrades, family and even his sensei. In some ways he felt guilty that he was still alive. Most of the time he just felt numb but right now he remembered all the pain, desperation and fear of the first time. That was when his mask became a permanent fixture on his face. He had always worn it on missions, during training but after that first kill it never left his face unless he was alone.

The streets were starting to bustle with morning activity, shops opening, people settling quickly into their daily routines. Sakura slowly walked home. She opened the door, kicked off her sandals and walked to her room. She removed the clothes from the night before, which had become hard with the dried blood from the boy she had killed. She turned on the shower and climbed in letting the hot water remove the traces of blood and death that still clung to her skin. She tried to scrub away the emotion, the guilt and the fear losing her life to another as she had taken the boy's. She wasn't even sure if he had been an enemy or just battle-shocked survivor, panicked when he found her standing so close to him examining the body of his fallen comrade. She let the water run over her for a very long time.


	2. Chapter 2

Kakashi lifted the glass swallowing the harsh liquid. 'Sakura had her first kill ', he said slowly to no one in particular. Both Asuma and Genma looked up sharply. Genma was the first to speak, "You know she is a lot older than any of us were. Still, it's rough. Is she OK?"

"I'm not sure. I don't think she knew he was there til the kunai was at her throat and she just reacted. She didn't say anything afterwards. I saw her earlier at the memorial but when she felt me there she left. I don't think she is ready to talk about it and to be honest I'm not sure I want to talk to her about it." Both Genma and Asuma nodded at that and the conversation moved on to other, more comfortable things...weapons, recent missions and such. Each of them knew the affects of that first kill and none of them wanted to reopen that wound that would never quite heal, that first real loss of innocence. The moment when the reality of death as their ever present shadow finally hit home. No matter how many times you are told, no matter how many times you recite the hundred rules, you never really believe, never really understand until the reality hits you full force in the head, the stomach...the heart. That moment changes you, you die a little and it hurts a lot.

Sakura walked up to the door, knocking gently and almost hoping it would go unanswered. The door opened and Ino appeared. "Hello Sakura."

"I had my first kill." She looked at the floor as she said it then glanced quickly up at Ino to see the look of concern spread across her friend's face.

"Was it bad?", she said watching Sakura closely.

"I didn't know it would feel like this. I watched him die. It's funny, as he died I could see the flash of realization when he knew he was going to die. Then there was the blood and he was gone. I really don't want to talk much about it but I don't want to be alone either."

"Wait there.." . Ino ran into the house grabbed a bottle of sake from her parents cupboard and then dashed quickly out the door with her friend. "Come on lets go for a walk."

Sakura followed Ino walking slowly, neither one talking. It was late afternoon and the sun was going down. They walked out of the village down the path til they reached a small pond. Ino sunk down to the ground at the edge of the pond and pulled out the bottle. She opened it and held it out to Sakura who had slid down to the ground next to her. "Sorry, no glasses." Sakura took the bottle and looked at it, smiling slightly. She had tasted sake before but had never really drank it. 'What the hell', she thought. Sakura took her first swallow, coughing slightly but finding it not all together unpleasant. She handed the bottle back to Ino who took a small sip and passed it immediately back.

"I really don't know what to say and I'm not sure that anything will make it better but I'll listen if you want to talk about it." Ino looked at her friend.

Sakura took another long sip, sitting there quietly. After a few minutes she shook her head and said, "No, there really isn't anything to say." Then after a long pause, "Do you ever think about the things you've never done that you want to do? I have spent so much time chasing Sasuke, wanting him to love me but I think that is just a waste of time and right now I'm not even sure I want that any more. " She stared off across the pond. "It could have just have as easily been me that died. It was so quick and then he was dead. I wonder what things he never had a chance to do."

Sakura and Ino sat there passing the bottle back and forth til it was empty. The sky had grown quite dark and Sakura was beginning to feel a bit restless. "Thanks Ino, I think I'm going to head back to town." Sakura climbed back to her feet, a bit surprised and the slight unsteadiness she felt. She laughed quietly...'"Oh yeah, the sake." She started walking back towards the village ahead. Ino silently followed. Ino glanced at her friend as they reached the village streets and said a quick good night.

Genma, mission completed and paperwork filed headed towards his favorite bar. It was still a bit early but he figured he could get started while he waited for the regulars to drift in as the night wore on. He entered the dark room, looking slowly around for a familiar face. His eyes stopped when he saw her sitting there, thinking. "She is way too young to be in here." He remember the conversation with Kakashi earlier. Sakura glanced up as the jounin slid onto the stool next to her. "Hello Sakura", he said softly. "You seem a bit out of place here."

Sakura glanced up, looking at the handsome jounin. She had seen him around before but never noticed how beautiful he was. She wondered if that was the sake and realized that she didn't care. She knew she wanted him. The events of the last few days had made it evident to her that the future was a luxury not often granted to shinobi. She stood up, moving closer to the jounin, "Buy me a sake?".

Genma had approached Sakura to give her a shoulder to lean on if she needed it. He was not expecting her to be hitting on him. She was hitting on him, wasn't she? Buy her a drink? That is just crazy, she isn't even 16, is she..?

She sank back onto her stool and began talking quietly without looking up. "In his eyes, I could see he knew it was over. He was maybe a year older than me. I don't want to die like that with so many things I've never done. Please don't look at me as a child. In this world, we don't have the luxury of growing up over time it happens all at once suddenly. In that instant he realized that his life was over. In that same instant my childhood ended. I don't have time to wait for a future I may never see. Right now I would really like to have a drink with you. "

Genma waved to the bartender, ordering a bottle of sake and two glasses. The bartender stared at the two briefly, raising one eyebrow then turning to fetch the requested bottle and glasses.

To be continued...please review.


	3. Chapter 3

Genma slowly poured two glasses of sake, pushing one in Sakura's direction. Sakura's eyes followed his movements closely. Letting her eyes trace the contours of his hands, moving slowly along his lean arms, chest and coming to rest on the senbon hanging from the corner of his mouth. He couldn't help but smile as she finally looked up to his eyes. "You are not keeping anything hidden here, are you?", he chuckled.

"Am I making you uncomfortable?", she looked deeply into his eyes and grinned.

"No, but people are starting to stare and this place will start to fill up soon. Are you OK with the rumors that might start with this...not to mention the fact that sooner or later someone else you know will walk through that door and see us here." As if on cue and far before she had time to think about the question let alone answer it, the door burst open and in walked a small crowd of familiar faces.

Asuma, Gai and Kakashi walked into the the mostly empty room, planting themselves at their usual table. Kakashi glanced towards the bar noticing Genma, who was as usual accompanied by a rather attractive companion. Wait a minute, he was with...Sakura? Kakashi cursed softly forcing himself to remain in his seat though he desperately wanted to jump up and pull his student away from the older jounin. He knew Sakura was still recovering from the effects of her first kill and really hoped that Genma would not take advantage of her vulnerable state. Asuma and Gai exchanged quick glances as they they took in the couple at the bar and the reaction of their fellow jounin to the sight.

Sakura watched the jounins come through the door and without hesitating, moved closer to Genma. Genma still seated on the stool didn't move as the kunoichi jumped to the floor and moved to stand just between his legs staring up into his eyes. He could the warmth of her breath on him, her nearness making him tense up slightly. 'What the hell am I thinking?', he silently screamed to himself as he reached out to touch the side of her cheek. He gently let his hand run along the side of her face, pausing briefly to brush a stray pink strand out of her face. He felt her shudder with his touch, heard her breath hitch. He felt his heartbeat quicken though he used his chakra to mask the change. Sakura reached up to the back of Genma's head and gently pulled his head down as she leaned over to whisper in his ear, "Genma, I don't care about what anyone thinks. I want you. Let's get out of here." Before she let go of his head she couldn't resist giving him a light nip on the ear lobe. Genma couldn't stifle the quiet groan that erupted from his lips when he felt her teeth on his ear. Without thinking he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close and whispered back, "I want you too." With that Genma threw money on the bar to cover their drinks and stood up, grabbing Sakura's hand. Sakura immediately turned to the door pulling Genma quickly towards it.

Long before they reached the door, Genma found himself face to face with the masked jounin. When Sakura felt Genma stop she turned to the silver haired jounin quickly placing herself between the two. Still holding on to Genma's hand she looked at her sensei. "Hello Sensei. Please excuse us we are on our way out." Her eyes silently pleading with him to leave them alone.

"Sakura, I need to talk to Genma for a moment."

"No sensei, Genma is with me right now. If you have something to say, then you say it to me but right now your interference is neither wanted nor needed." She squeezed Genma's hand praying that he would let her handle this. She felt the light pressure on her hand returned and Genma stood silently at her side.

"You've been through a lot Sakura. I don't think you are thinking clearly and I don't want you to regret any choices you might make right now." Kakashi's eyes held the defiant jade ones looking back at him.

"Kakashi, I know you think you are trying to help me but right now you can't. You have no claim on me nor do you have any control over me. You are not my father, my brother or my friend, you are my instructor. Now please, get out of the way." With that Sakura turned again towards the door and felt no resistance as she pulled Genma along. Kakashi glared at Genma as he stepped back, conveying a silent threat with his eye.

Kakashi watched Sakura and Genma disappear through the door, standing for a long time staring at the empty space. 'Not her friend?', that's what she had said. He was surprised by how much those words stung. Slowly, he walked back and slid into his seat. Both Gai and Asuma watching closely as the jounin returned. "I need a drink," he growled as he reached for the bottle of sake now sitting in the center of the table.

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_Well, I finally finished chapter 3. I'm not completely happy with it but I don't hate it either. I have started chapter 4 but it may take a bit to get it completed. Any reviews or comments welcome._


	4. Chapter 4

Kakashi eyes were gradually glazing over as he listened to Gai's long winded ramblings about the 'springtime of life'. "Should I have stopped them?", he asked quietly. "She's just a kid, barely sixteen and I know that she isn't herself right now."

Asuma looked at Kakashi, "You know Genma and I were together when we had our first kill. Genma was a bit older than me but he took it much harder. We all know what Sakura's going through right now. Maybe he can give her what she needs."

"..but she..."

"Kakashi, she is young but she is not a child. She is a kunoichi and she needs to work through this herself. Let it go." Gai watched his rival, knowing the inner turmoil hidden behind the less calm than normal exterior.

"She is sixteen and he...it's just wrong." Kakashi quickly bit his thumb and began to form hand seals. Pakun appeared in a puff of smoke. "Pakkun, find Sakura. Just make sure she is...OK." With that Pakkun dashed out the door.

Genma and Sakura, still hand in hand walked out the door into the quiet evening streets of Konoha. Sakura stopped and turned to face Genma, pulling her hand free and letting it drop to her side. She looked into his eyes, trying to read the thoughts behind them.

"Second thoughts?", he asked gently.

"No." She smiled taking his hand again and spinning to head off towards the woods at the edge of town near the memorial. She pulled him along, hopping to the nearest rooftop and increasing her speed. They arrived quickly at the memorial where she paused briefly to touch the large stone monument. She turned to face Genma and grinned as she reached up to snatch the senbon from his mouth. Eyes locked with his she slowly ran her tongue along the length of the senbon and slid it into the corner of her mouth. She winked and dashed off into the woods. He stood there for a moment, trying to decide if he should be shocked or intrigued as he responded with an involuntary gasp and slight groan. He followed her into the woods, catching up easily, pulling the senbon from her mouth and throwing them both to the ground. He landed on top of her, pinning her hands over her head, his face close to hers. She felt the warmth of his breath on her face, intoxicated with his nearness inhaling and savoring his scent. She pulled one hand free and wrapped it around the back of his head pulling him to her. Genma didn't resist as she pulled him close, taking control as their lips met. He kissed her gently at first, enjoying the soft suppleness of her lips. She moaned softly as his tongue slid into her willing mouth allowing him to fully explore it's interior. The kiss grew in intensity and passion as she wrapped both arms around his back, pulling his body tightly against hers. The feeling of her willing young body beneath his was quickly driving away any remaining hesitation or thoughts of restraint as his desire rose to the point of desperation. When the kiss finally broke leaving them both breathless, her heart was pounding so loudly she didn't notice a another moan escape her lips as he pulled back. Genma stared into her eyes sliding his body slowly off hers, rolling on to his back and pulling her on top of him. Sakura sat up so that she was straddling him. She could feel his desire beneath her.

Neither of them noticed the slight movement in the tree overhead as Pakkun observed their activities. Satisfied that Sakura was in fact quite well, Pakkun headed back to his master to report.

He found Kakashi still sitting in the same seat, but smelling a whole lot more like like the empty bottle in front of him than like Kakashi himself. "Yo Kakashi..", greeted Pakkun.

"hmm..?", said a slightly blurry eyed silver haired jounin.

"Sakura is fine. She's in heat but she seems to have found a suitable male.", reported Pakkun.

Kakashi jumped to his feet sending his chair flying. He leaned heavily on the table to maintain his balance. He was angry and right now with all the sake that he had that evening he wasn't thinking all that clearly. With both Asuma and Gai passed out at the table there was no one to stop him when he rushed out the door with Pakkun in tow.

"Where are they Pakkun?"

Pakkun took off at a run, leading the intoxicated jounin to where he had seen the couple. Kakashi seemed to regain full control of his unsteady limbs as they dashed across rooftops. He paused when he reached the memorial to make sure his chakra was masked and he was moving silently. He slowly approached Sakura and Genma, growing angrier with each step.

Neither Genma nor Sakura sensed Kakashi as he approached, the couple once again locked in an incredibly passionate kiss with Sakura still astride the lean battle scarred warrior. Kakashi reached for a kunai as he moved closer throwing Sakura off Genma, dropping to his knee and pressing the kunai to Genma's throat in an instant. Genma froze as realization of what had just happened overtook his passion clouded mind. His friend...his best friend, was holding a blade to his throat and he really wasn't sure what was going to happen next. This was not the Kakashi he knew, the brilliant elite shinobi, controlled and unemotional in battle. This was an angry and intoxicated man, seething with emotion and trying to protect someone he held dear.

"Kakashi sensei...Kakashi, please..", screamed Sakura and she ran towards Genma and Kakashi. "Kakashi, look at me.", she demanded when she reached them. Kakshi pulled the kunai away from Genma as he stood up and turned to face Sakura.

"Sakura, you're bleeding.", he said as he turned to face the girl. 'That's what happens when you throw someone into a tree, Idiot.', she thought. She turned to Genma, now standing in front of Kakashi. She smiled slightly. "Genma, can I catch up to you later?"

Genma nodded and disappeared without a word to or a glance at Kakashi.

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_Well, that's chapter 4. I know this story has some faults but it's really only my second one so I'm hoping my writing will improve. I have a couple directions I could go from here with this and I'm not quite sure exactly where I will take this._

_ Please review...comments are needed.  
_


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